why you so obsessed with me?

It seems like every time I navigate to the NYT, there is some article on how "20-somethings" have no direction or live at home or are in some sort of limbo because they are too irresponsible and self-indulgent to be an adult. But, the narrative leaves out a specific subset: the sort of people who aren't married with children and a 9-5 but who aren't living with their parents and working at the local video store. What about all the 20-somethings who are independent, responsible, and pursuing things they actually enjoy? What about me, and all most of my friends?

The latest article is entitled "What Is It About 20-Somethings?"  written by Robin Marantz Henig, which explores the "emerging" stage of life called "emerging adulthood" -- a term coined because it was cooler and catchier than "youth." ... (blank stare) ...

As mentioned, the article creates a dichotomy between the "traditional cycle" of "orderly progression" - "finish school, grow up, start careers, make a family and on and on" - and the cycle gone awry - "remain(ing) untethered to romantic partners or to permanent homes, going back to school for lack of better options, traveling, avoiding commitments, competing ferociously for unpaid internships or temporary (and often grueling) Teach for America jobs, forestalling the beginning of adult life." And, while, I do not profess to co-sign to those who live an extended childhood by living off their parents, I think that my generation is being demonized for not following the trajectory of the previous generation - a trajectory that many do not wish to follow. This either/or dichotomy ignores a huge subset of people in their 20s: those living independently but non-traditionally.

much, much more after the jump...

Case in point, myself. For those readers who don't personally know me, a bit of background information. (If you do, feel free to skip to the next paragraph.) I am a recent ivy league graduate who paid my own way through school. I graduated with a six figure job where I was able to pay off my undergraduate student loans in total. I have recently transitioned to the non-profit world where I run a think tank at the aforementioned ivy league school. I am independent, I left my parents house when I was 17 and have yet to return or ask for money. I rented my first manhattan apartment by myself - no roommates, no cosigner. I have successfully passed all of the "milestones" except for marriage and children, two commitments that I am unclear if I even want. I like to explore my identity and am filled with that "rather poetic characteristic" Arnett terms "a sense of possibilities." I am unsure of what exactly my future holds, but I would be remiss if I did not mention that I've considered farming in spain for an extended period of time. Furthermore, I do not intend for this self reflection to be "temporary" in nature. No, Mom, this is not a phase. To be self-reflective, inquisitive, adaptable and filled with possibilities - yes, these are things I wish to be always. For, what sort of person do we become when we aren't hopeful for what the future holds and intelligent enough to reflect upon both the past and the present and our relation to both? 

And, no, I am not the exception. While, I understand that I may not necessarily be the rule, it pains me how I, and the hundreds of thousands of people of like me, are left out of the narrative. Is the idea of an independent free-thinker so difficult to grasp? I have done everything in my life, though certainly not traditionally in a micro sense, traditional in the macro sense, yet my feelings and thoughts are far from traditional. If I am wary of participating in activities in which most men would expect me to be domesticated and devoted and children would expect me to be utterly beholden to them, how could you blame me? I am no less a woman.

Below, a quote from the article:

“It’s somewhat terrifying,” writes a 25-year-old named Jennifer, “to think about all the things I’m supposed to be doing in order to ‘get somewhere’ successful: ‘Follow your passions, live your dreams, take risks, network with the right people, find mentors, be financially responsible, volunteer, work, think about or go to grad school, fall in love and maintain personal well-being, mental health and nutrition.’ When is there time to just be and enjoy?”

Jennifer's issue is that she is framing her actions by traditional (read: white and wealthy) markers of success, because she isn't able to articulate or understand the way she frames her life and what makes it successful (or unsuccessful). Where is this somewhere she's trying to get? Death? I mean, we're all on the slow march towards it, but we should at least enjoy the ride. If I measure my success as doing something fulfilling, surrounding myself with friends and family who love me and being able to financially, emotionally and physically care for myself, then I am pretty damn successful already. I've gotten there, and you can too little Jennifer.

some readers' comments (as they usually are) are even more disparaging. "grown-ups" with inflated senses of self-worth write things like "grow up! we did. sooner. and better." yeah, right. you, being the same self-involved hippies who then voted in Bush twice in a row? you who gave subprime mortgages to people of color (which was only following a historical trajectory of legal housing segregation since forever) that caused a global economic collapse? you who have divorced at higher rates than ever in the history of our nation? for the baby-boomer generation to fashion themselves as better for marrying and having children and dooming themselves to the same 9-5 job at the same insurance company as their father in their early 20s seems ridiculous. But, the primary problem is that their conception of being a grown up is not ours, and to push their definitions of things like happiness, success and responsibility onto us is only a reflection of their own regrets and insecurities.

Finally, the last thing about the article that I want to comment on is the obvious racial and class dimensions to the story.  Henig mentions class as an indicator:

Despite these impressions, Arnett insists that emerging adulthood is not limited to young persons of privilege and that it is not simply a period of self-indulgence. He takes pains in “Emerging Adulthood” to describe some case histories of young men and women from hard-luck backgrounds who use the self-focus and identity exploration of their 20s to transform their lives.

[insert narrative of poor black girl who "escape(s) an abusive or dysfunctional family and finally pursues her own dreams]

... She is still supporting her mother and siblings, which is why she works full time even though her progress through school would be quicker if she found a part-time job. Is it only a grim pessimist like me who sees how many roadblocks there will be on the way to achieving those dreams and who wonders what kind of freewheeling emerging adulthood she is supposed to be having?

Henig correctly points out that the young woman is experiencing "roadblocks" in her path to her dream of getting a phd. However, Henig writes that the cause of these roadblocks is her poor "dysfunctional family." Though she correctly identifies this woman as representative of yet another alternative narrative to the original dichotomy she presents, she incorrectly attributes this problem to a family that does not value education, is not independent or financially-sufficient, is lazy and only serves as a detriment to her. No mention of how race affects this narrative (is race still a taboo word to use?) and, more importantly, no acknowledgment of the racist structural barriers that have shaped the lives of people of color in the United States since the first colonists came and nearly decimated our indigenous population. Henig's racialized (and racist) assumptions of why the young woman must help her family are based on stereotypes of poor black families and do not reflect the reality of the situation. The reality that "emerging adults" like Jennifer have been able to live off her parents by policies that distributed wealth to them and years of economic burden exacerbated by non-citizenship to families like the young black woman's. 

so, nyt and nyt readers, please stop creating false narratives of my generation characterized by our "self-centeredness, inability to be independent and rejection of 'traditional' time lines." it's not only unfair, but not true. 

and, oh, nyt, stop being so racist. thanks.