Perceived Intelligence

editor's note: this was the post for Tuesday, but somehow my blackberry didn't actually post it. sad face. anyways, enjoy!

So I'm auditing a seminar on colorblindness at the law school I work at. Taught by my boss. Intimidating, no?

So after class was over today, one of the girls mentioned that she wasn't sure she was going to stay in the class because she didn't feel like she belonged - like everyone was operating here and she was operating down there. Now, homegirl was smart and had a lot of both insightful and "let's get real people" comments that I always thoroughly enjoy. Nothing in the content of the class should've made her feel less than, but she did.

And, I did too. Why is that? Why is it so difficult for me to have confidence in the classroom? The classroom - a place where I have always excelled. I'm not sure why exactly, but here are some things I'm considering:

• gender: I feel most comfortable in a group of all women (or mostly women) than a co-ed group. Studies have shown that women's colleges (of which I have attended) generally are places where women tend to succeed in the classroom - where vestiges of patriarchy and male dominated classrooms aren't so common. I know the more co-ed classes that I was in, I felt more reserved as the men in the class often dominated the discussion especially in classes like political science. Yet, I would've hoped that my gendered instincts around whether my opinion mattered would have died and gone away never to return. I do believe I'm more comfortable asserting myself in front of men, but how much does patriarchy rear its angry head in my life still?
• education level: Its just difficult to speak up in a room full of ivy league grad students when I'm simply an employee. Have I come into the seminar from the back door? Will I ever be able to attend some of the illustrious top 10 law schools I have worked in? I vacilate between feeling like I'll never get into law school and feeling like Ima make it for sure. But, what makes some students deserving and others not? What knowledges, abilities and backgrounds are favored and celebrated and which ones are not? Is my opinion any less important because I have yet to be (arbitrarily) chosen? Na, can't be that, but, why then do I still feel like I'm some sort of undercover intruder?
• workplace politics: Simply put, I don't want to look stupid in front of my boss, and I secretly worry that they (my bosses) think I'm smarter than I really am. I know people were shocked when I got my position ("how did she get that? She isn't experienced/intelligent/old enough for that!") - and I guess I was too. 
• age: I realize now how smart I thought I was and how dumb I really was. So, of course I worry that I come off as a know-it-all little kid who doesn't know anything. I think my age gets in the way a lot and I don't get taken as seriously as I want to. How should one measure age? Time that passes, experiences one has or mind set one possesses? Why am I lumped as peers with people who live at home and have never left it, don't work and spend their time bickering with people on social media all day long?

 In the end though, I don't think a man would ever feel this way to the point of dropping out of class. Why have I been socialized to believe my opinion wouldn't stack up and why am I am able to express myself through this medium without getting flushed but not in an academic setting?

Thoughts/comments/disagreements welcome.